JOHN HOWARD’S ONE-DAY CRICKET MATCH IN BED

By Russell McGilton

Short film: Short-listed on the Chasers website.

 

EXT. KIRRIBILLI HOUSE – NIGHT

 

One light is on in Kirribilli house.

 

VOICE OVER: At Kirribilli House, the Prime Minister John Howard, is preparing to beat Kevin Rudd in the coming election.

HOWARD V/O: Ni hooooow. Ni –

 

INT. KIRRIBILLI HOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT

 

Howard face is obscured by a book ‘How to learn Chinese’.

 

HOWARD:     – hooooow. Neeee hooooow!. Ni hoa maa – oh, stone the crows! Damn this Chinese.

 

Janette, is also obscured by a book she is reading: ‘Cultural Amnesia’ by Clive James.

 

JANETTE:      What’s wrong, John? Unions getting to you again?

HOWARD:     No, it’s this bloody election. I can’t win it.

JANETTE:     Oh, you poor dear. You need to relax. (Seductively) I’ve got an idea John.                                Let’s play ‘Postman Pat’.

HOWARD:     Oh, grow up, Janette. That’s for kids

JANETTE:      (Sighs) How about a horizontal tango?

HOWARD:     I don’t like dancing. You know that.

JANETTE:      Naval engagement?

HOWARD:     My diary is full.

JANETTE:      John….let’s make love!

HOWARD:     Eh?

JANETTE:      (Irritated) Sex! I want to have sex!

HOWARD:     Oh…that. Not tonight, Janette. I’ve got the election to worry about.

JANETTE:      Oh, come on, John. It’ll help unseat Maxine McKew.

HOWARD:     I don’t see –

JANETTE:      It’s Bennelong time, John.

HOWARD:     Oh, ha ha, Janette. Now let me do some work. ‘Ni how – ‘

JANETTE:      (Sighs) I’m sure Don Bradman never let his wife down.

HOWARD:     (Suddenly interested) Don Bradman!?

JANETTE:      Yes, Don Bradman.

HOWARD:     Don – Aghhh!

JANETTE:      Wanna…wanna see my batting line up, John?

HOWARD:     Oh, Janette!

JANETTE:     John (panting) Why don’t we…why don’t we have a one day test!

HOWARD:     Alright!

 

Howard climbs on top of her.

 

JANETTE:      Oh, John. I’ve got a wide for you!

 

Starts thrusting.

 

HOWARD:     I love it when you talk cricket to me! Ah! My leg is beginning to spin!

JANETTE:      Oh, yeah? Well, give me more of that chin music!

HOWARD:     Okay! I’m going for six and out! Oooh!

JANETTE:      Not yet, John! Don’t chip shot! I’m off side!

HOWARD:     Ah….AH…

JANETTE:      John! Wait! A few more lengths!

HOWARD:     AHHH…AHHH….!

JANETTE:      NOT YET!

HOWARD:     AHHHHHHHAAH…HOWZAT!

 

He gives the umpires signal ‘for out’ then collapses.

 

JANETTE:      (Pause) No ball.

HOWARD:     But I was in the crease!

JANETTE:      Out for a duck…again.

HOWARD:     Let’s try for another innings and –

 

She feels below him.

JANETTE:      Oh, John! Where’s your sticky wicket gone?

HOWARD:     It was there a minute ago.

JANETTE:      Ya windy-wush!

HOWARD:     We could try for another over –

JANETTE:     (Shouting to someone) Send in the Twelfth Man! (bitterly) Why don’t you try for a full toss instead, John? Goodnight!

 

EXT. KIRRIBILLI HOUSE – NIGHT

 

HOWARD V/O:          Ni Haw ma. Wo hen hoa…bugger it!

 

FADE OUT

 

END