By Russell McGilton
Short film: Short-listed on the Chasers website.
EXT. KIRRIBILLI HOUSE – NIGHT
One light is on in Kirribilli house.
VOICE OVER: At Kirribilli House, the Prime Minister John Howard, is preparing to beat Kevin Rudd in the coming election.
HOWARD V/O: Ni hooooow. Ni –
INT. KIRRIBILLI HOUSE – BEDROOM – NIGHT
Howard face is obscured by a book ‘How to learn Chinese’.
HOWARD: – hooooow. Neeee hooooow!. Ni hoa maa – oh, stone the crows! Damn this Chinese.
Janette, is also obscured by a book she is reading: ‘Cultural Amnesia’ by Clive James.
JANETTE: What’s wrong, John? Unions getting to you again?
HOWARD: No, it’s this bloody election. I can’t win it.
JANETTE: Oh, you poor dear. You need to relax. (Seductively) I’ve got an idea John. Let’s play ‘Postman Pat’.
HOWARD: Oh, grow up, Janette. That’s for kids
JANETTE: (Sighs) How about a horizontal tango?
HOWARD: I don’t like dancing. You know that.
JANETTE: Naval engagement?
HOWARD: My diary is full.
JANETTE: John….let’s make love!
HOWARD: Eh?
JANETTE: (Irritated) Sex! I want to have sex!
HOWARD: Oh…that. Not tonight, Janette. I’ve got the election to worry about.
JANETTE: Oh, come on, John. It’ll help unseat Maxine McKew.
HOWARD: I don’t see –
JANETTE: It’s Bennelong time, John.
HOWARD: Oh, ha ha, Janette. Now let me do some work. ‘Ni how – ‘
JANETTE: (Sighs) I’m sure Don Bradman never let his wife down.
HOWARD: (Suddenly interested) Don Bradman!?
JANETTE: Yes, Don Bradman.
HOWARD: Don – Aghhh!
JANETTE: Wanna…wanna see my batting line up, John?
HOWARD: Oh, Janette!
JANETTE: John (panting) Why don’t we…why don’t we have a one day test!
HOWARD: Alright!
Howard climbs on top of her.
JANETTE: Oh, John. I’ve got a wide for you!
Starts thrusting.
HOWARD: I love it when you talk cricket to me! Ah! My leg is beginning to spin!
JANETTE: Oh, yeah? Well, give me more of that chin music!
HOWARD: Okay! I’m going for six and out! Oooh!
JANETTE: Not yet, John! Don’t chip shot! I’m off side!
HOWARD: Ah….AH…
JANETTE: John! Wait! A few more lengths!
HOWARD: AHHH…AHHH….!
JANETTE: NOT YET!
HOWARD: AHHHHHHHAAH…HOWZAT!
He gives the umpires signal ‘for out’ then collapses.
JANETTE: (Pause) No ball.
HOWARD: But I was in the crease!
JANETTE: Out for a duck…again.
HOWARD: Let’s try for another innings and –
She feels below him.
JANETTE: Oh, John! Where’s your sticky wicket gone?
HOWARD: It was there a minute ago.
JANETTE: Ya windy-wush!
HOWARD: We could try for another over –
JANETTE: (Shouting to someone) Send in the Twelfth Man! (bitterly) Why don’t you try for a full toss instead, John? Goodnight!
EXT. KIRRIBILLI HOUSE – NIGHT
HOWARD V/O: Ni Haw ma. Wo hen hoa…bugger it!
FADE OUT
END