In the new batman movie Dark Night Rises there are a number of flaws with the villain, Bane . First of all, the mouth-mask. If he takes it off he’ll die. This of course throws up a fist of questions: How did Bane become such a hulking mass of muscle if couldn’t get anything passed his mask except mumbled vowels? Through a straw? Super Protein Enema Shakes? Fat words’

My second point, is that Bane has this rich plummy, Richard Burton voice but so shrouded with mumbles he sounds like he’s wearing Kenny from South Park’s anorak. You can’t understand a word. Not only is his voice incomprehensible, it’s not geographically correct.

You see, Bane grew up in a prison at the bottom of a pit. When Bruce Wayne ascends from the same pit we see that it’s just outside the blue city of Jodhpur, India.

So really, Bane shouldn’t have a rich English accent but an Indian one. Now, I’m sure there are some kick-arse villains in Bollywood films but so far what is running through my limited library of references (okay, unfair stereotypes) would be Bane, henchmen in tow, standing up to the Gotham Police force, shaking his fist in the air as he declares in his sweet Indian lilt: ‘VEE ARE ‘AVING THE ATOM BOMB AND VEE ARE BE GOING TO BE BLOWING YOU UP, RIGHTLY!’

Somehow, I just don’t think Gotham would buckle.

Oh, and another thing, why does Bruce Wayne keep his ‘I’m voicing a porno movie’ voice when he meets Cat Woman as Batman even though they both know he’s really Bruce Wayne? Wouldn’t she just go, ‘Dude, is your utility belt too tight or what?’