An Apocalyptic Solution

In my hour of need during these COVID lockdowns, my survival manual is not the DHHS website but…post-apocalyptic films. Now, the one thing I’ve noticed in these movies not once do any battle-worn protagonists order their comrades, as they blasted away at a horde of flesh-eating zombies while hunkered down in a supermarket aisle, ‘Forget the food and water that will sustain our colony through the coming harsh winter for months…GET THE TOILET PAPER!’

Nope. Not in Dawn of the Dead, Army of the Dead, Dead of the Dead Dead or even where you’d expect it, the comedy Shawn of the Dead. And it is certainly not in Mad Max where oil just seems just a little more important than the end of ‘that other world’.

So unless you’ve contracted COVID-FAECAL-21 would it warrant you to stockpile (it comes out everywhere). Of course, your problems wouldn’t end there. Bandaged from head to foot, you’d be forced to fight off other toilet-paper-mummies as you descend on the last of packets food staples before that too becomes its very own virus, COVID-FLOUR AND PASTA-22.

Russell McGilton